I reach over to turn off the lamp. Suddenly, it careens to the floor breaking to pieces. Haltingly, I lower my exhausted body. Outside I can hear every day noises as if the world was still alive and well. Right now, weeks of unchallenged stress is taking control of me. Tears are my only real companion.
We were preparing a light meal of pasta salad, when I heard him say, “There’s someone else that I’m in love with”. My world turned a bright crimson of betrayal. I turned toward the kitchen with my feet traipsing lifelessly.
Wondering to myself if I can even go on, I enter the bedroom, shut the door with a slam and lower to my aching knees and cry out,
“God, help me!”.
~
© Carol Campbell 2015
I haven’t written fiction very often so would very much welcome kind spirited criticism. Thank you.~Carol
The Challenge:
“Flash Fiction this week. Some of you are probably thinking that’s what you’re doing already, and for some that’s correct. Flash fiction is only a few hundred words long, or even under 100 words. What Flash Fiction does is forces you to make your writing tight. Tight writing is removing the fat and leaving the healthy stuff that has energy to it. Fat slows your storytelling down.”~Ronovan
❤ ❤ ❤
WritersDream9 
a sad story, I’m glad it’s only fiction!
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It is sad and I’m not really sure why I wrote about it. The muse has it’s ways!
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yes he/she/they do!
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Well you did get right to de point! Leanly:). So it would seem…🙃🙃🙃 lalala!
La
>
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Thank you!
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If you want a crit, Carol, I’d suggest keeping a chronological time line with such a short piece. You start in the past tense then go even further back in the second section. Alternatively, how about making the first section present tense?
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I see that. Thank you. I’ll edit 🙂
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Just a suggestion 🙂
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I di edit it and if you have the time would welcome feedback 😉
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I’d be pleased to. Many people don’t like feedback unless it’s just to say—that was brilliant!
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Thank you!
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Heartbreak always offers a great foundation for storytelling. I love the normalcy of the whole thing: most people have experience the emotions evoked by dinner-making (or meal-sharing) with a loved one, so it makes the wee tale very relatable.
…kind spirited criticism: I think the tale would benefit by a line or two that tells us a bit about how the characters felt about each other before the “betrayal”.
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Yes, I thought the same thing. I really felt the limit of 100 words and was frankly unsure how to proceed! I always appreciate kind spirited criticism! 🙂 Thanks!
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🙂
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Start, and end, in the present tense. The second section can remain a “flashback, in flash fiction”.
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Thank you for that hint!
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so sad!!
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First, great story. Second, the prompt challenge was 500 words, not 100. 🙂 You had a lot more room to play with. But you relayed all you needed to in 100. I do agree with Jane. Make the first section present, the middle past, and close with a return to present. I did a working of it and it comes out not bad, but then it’s my interpretation of it. Yours would be better because you have the thoughts behind it. But the tense arrangement works. Thank you for doing the challenge. Looking forward to more. Most everything else was nice according to spellings and the like with only a couple of grammar things that Word or Post Editor should catch for you but may have failed.
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Great! Thanks Ronovan. I’ll check it out!
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Hi again. I checked the grammar on Word and it said all was clear. I have adjusted the settings as you recommended. I added an extra small paragraph in the present. Thanks again!
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If I ever sound abrupt or anything when giving advice, put it down to being uncomfortable doing so. I’m always hesitant to do so because I don’t like to make people feel bad and I know how easy it is to see things in other peoples writings but not be able to see it in your own. That’s why I have a college professor going through a book I am working on. And oddly enough, I edit her work as well. 🙂
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I did not take offense but thank you for explaining. I am very wet behind the ears and need advice.:)
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Very well written!
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Thanks so much!
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☺
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