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Betrayal

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Friday Fiction with Ronovan

I reach over to turn off the lamp. Suddenly, it careens to the floor breaking to pieces. Haltingly, I lower my exhausted body. Outside I can hear every day noises as if the world was still alive and well. Right now, weeks of unchallenged stress is taking control of me. Tears are my only real companion.

We were preparing a light meal of pasta salad, when I heard him say, “There’s someone else that I’m in love with”. My world turned a bright crimson of betrayal.  I turned toward the kitchen with my feet traipsing lifelessly.

Wondering to myself if I can even go on, I enter the bedroom, shut the door with a slam and lower to my aching knees and cry out,

“God, help me!”.

~

© Carol Campbell 2015

I haven’t written fiction very often so would very much welcome kind spirited criticism. Thank you.~Carol

https://ronovanwrites.wordpress.com/2015/12/04/friday-fiction-with-ronovan-writes-prompt-challenge-4/

The Challenge:

“Flash Fiction this week. Some of you are probably thinking that’s what you’re doing already, and for some that’s correct. Flash fiction is only a few hundred words long, or even under 100 words. What Flash Fiction does is forces you to make your writing tight. Tight writing is removing the fat and leaving the healthy stuff that has energy to it. Fat slows your storytelling down.”~Ronovan

❤ ❤ ❤

 

Published by: writersdream9

I have been writing all my life but for the most part, it has been a secret. My parents did not believe writing was a good way to earn money so I hid my poems. Then one day, I wanted to comment on an essay that a friend had written and found myself with a blog. That quiet whisper inside said, "You can write your poetry and no one will ever know.". I knew nothing of followers and the like at that time. So, here I am trying to learn my craft and enjoying every moment of it. My personal details are, I'm 57, married for 39 years, have one grown son who is God's gift to us and last but not least at all, I'm a Baha'i which basically means that I love all humanity.

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26 thoughts on “Betrayal”

  3. If you want a crit, Carol, I’d suggest keeping a chronological time line with such a short piece. You start in the past tense then go even further back in the second section. Alternatively, how about making the first section present tense?

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  4. Heartbreak always offers a great foundation for storytelling. I love the normalcy of the whole thing: most people have experience the emotions evoked by dinner-making (or meal-sharing) with a loved one, so it makes the wee tale very relatable.

    …kind spirited criticism: I think the tale would benefit by a line or two that tells us a bit about how the characters felt about each other before the “betrayal”.

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  7. First, great story. Second, the prompt challenge was 500 words, not 100. 🙂 You had a lot more room to play with. But you relayed all you needed to in 100. I do agree with Jane. Make the first section present, the middle past, and close with a return to present. I did a working of it and it comes out not bad, but then it’s my interpretation of it. Yours would be better because you have the thoughts behind it. But the tense arrangement works. Thank you for doing the challenge. Looking forward to more. Most everything else was nice according to spellings and the like with only a couple of grammar things that Word or Post Editor should catch for you but may have failed.

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      1. If I ever sound abrupt or anything when giving advice, put it down to being uncomfortable doing so. I’m always hesitant to do so because I don’t like to make people feel bad and I know how easy it is to see things in other peoples writings but not be able to see it in your own. That’s why I have a college professor going through a book I am working on. And oddly enough, I edit her work as well. 🙂

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  8. Pingback: Friday Fiction with Ronovan Writes Prompt #4 Entries: THE LINKS | ronovanwrites

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